Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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