The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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