life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Randomize
