Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
