My entire life is one complicated drinking game
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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