genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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