Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
