My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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