my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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