and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
