who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
