You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
