NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
