So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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