i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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