Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
