Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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