I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
