omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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