1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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