ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
sarcasm needs its own font
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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