I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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