The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
