she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Sober January is a disaster.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
