I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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