he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
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