is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
