My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
