period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
