I'm pants shitting drunk right now
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
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