I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
