You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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