there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
