oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Randomize
