Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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