Swine flu. Run for my life!
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
