If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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