Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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