Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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