I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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