Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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