just tell him i said nine months
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
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For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
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Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
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