Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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