I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
