so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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