Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
