she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
