meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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