the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
