Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
We're too hungover to prance.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
