my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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