Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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