How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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