well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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