You're my little dorito
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
His nipple licking is glorious
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