The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
