Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
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Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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