He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
