Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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