did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
