I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
