So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
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