Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
