Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
