I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
