And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
