you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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